


Waiting for that step back

by SpoonDance



Series: Where does your heart beat? [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, bipolar maggie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 19:58:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9783587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonDance/pseuds/SpoonDance
Summary: Maggie is tired and talking is hard but she wants Alex to stay.-or-Maggie is struggling with Bipolar Disorder and Alex is there for her.





	

Maggie sat staring at her kitchen counter, shoulders hunched and too tired to sleep. So tired, so foggy, but so awake at the same time. She hated nighttime. It was so dark and quiet and vastly lonely that she didn’t want to move an inch. Actually, that was a lie, generally she liked the night. Because it was so dark and quiet and still, because the world was alive and thriving outside and she could easily reach out and let that energy fill her veins. But not on nights like tonight. Not weeks like this week.

 

Running an agitated hand through her hair, Maggie sighed. She had issues, she knew that. It wasn’t something she denied necessarily, but she kept things held tightly in. Close to her heart. She knew and she was working on being better, at knowing herself and taking care of herself. And she’d made so much progress over the years. But that didn’t mean it was easy, that didn’t mean she didn’t fall into bad spells and struggle to find her feeting again, that didn’t mean she always felt great about herself. That didn’t mean she didn’t need support. Which is probably why it hurt so goddamn much when her relationships fell apart, whether or not she shared, whether or not she opened up and asked for that support explicitly; because she just wanted someone to not be put off by the not-so-strong, the not-so-solid, the not-so-shiny parts of her. She wanted someone who would just stay. 

She’d never much liked asking for help. She could’ve done better in school if she’d have asked more questions, she wouldn’t have as many scars if she’d have called for backup, she’d probably have had longer lasting relationships if she’d just  _ ask _ . But it wasn’t something she was good at. And it was something she had grown up telling herself she didn’t  _ need  _ to do. So, when she actually did ask, when she did open up or share a sliver of herself hinting at help she wanted or had sought out in the past; when she  _ did  _ and it was not caught or seen or cared about… It made it that much more difficult to do the next time. 

It made it seem less like something that she could do. It made it seem like something that people didn’t do. Normal people. 

And on night’s like this, she’d sit in a still wrestle. Roiling and tearing at her insides. Because all she wanted, all she really wanted was someone to hold her. But how could they really hold all of her if they didn’t know all of her? 

A knock at her door had her groggy and spinning mind slow for a moment. She pushed herself up from her stool, feeling far too heavy for her body.

Opening the door to seeing Alex, beautiful and smiling Alex, was a relief. Her heart thudded and leapt and dropped. Dropped and clattered and scraped against the ground, fluttering and floundering and all she could do was breathe and smile and breathe. 

“Hey, sorry I haven’t been able to talk much today. I was locked in the lab most of the day. J’onn actually kicked me out. Thought I’d stop by.” Alex made her way into Maggie’s living room, slipping her jacket off and onto the back of a chair. Just like she always did. Just like it was her second home. 

Maggie’s breath caught as she watched it, the way her body moved through her apartment. It warmed her. She gently closed the door without looking away from Alex. And Alex’s held tilted, her smile shifted.

“You okay, Mags?”

It was a practiced line, it had become so simple to say, so easy. Second nature really. “I’m fine, just tired.”

And the smile -soft and understanding- that she got for it? It almost made the lie worth it. 

“Yeah, I hear you. You want to squeeze onto your tiny couch and watch a movie?”

Almost.

Because she wasn’t fine. And she was more than just tired. She was exhausted, heavy, empty. She hadn’t minded Alex being busy today, it made her feel less bad about her short and slow responses to her texts. And she felt guilty for being glad Alex hadn’t called or asked to get together. But seeing her standing in her apartment, she was even more glad Alex hadn’t asked and just showed up instead. Glad and tired and scared.

Because she wasn’t fine and Alex was standing there looking so warm and soft and so so… accepting. So caring. And she wanted to talk, she wanted to share, she wanted to break down in her strong arms. But… just the thought of doing so was exhausting, was bone-crushingly tiring. And just as terrifying. 

Because she wasn’t fine.

And talking was hard.

Alex’s smile was gone and Maggie forgot how to do so herself. This was it. The shift she could never change.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t really think. I should’ve called before just barging in here. You probably just want to relax and go to bed. I’m sorry, I can just head out and call you tomorrow?” She was already reaching for her jacket and Maggie’s fingers itched to grab it back and clutch it to her chest and refuse to let go. But she felt sluggish and heavy and breathless.

Alex paused, watched her and smiled gently as she stepped forward, jacket in hand. Maggie’s eyes followed the leather, trying to reach out.

“You get some sleep, okay babe?” And when she leaned in to kiss Maggie’s forehead, her free hand cradling her head, Maggie had a rush of strength, of need, and was able to wrap her hands in Alex’s shirt and hold her where she was. Close and steady.

“No.” Maggie cleared the tightness from her throat. “No, you can stay. If you want.” 

She didn’t look up. Because she was waiting. Waiting for that sweet smile, that step back, that well-intended space. A kiss, a goodbye, and another day tomorrow. But tomorrow wouldn’t be different; she’d still be quiet and tired and she’d see another step back, another smile, another well-wish. And her heart was already thudding painfully slow. Because everyone thought she needed space. And everyone got tired of providing it.

But then she was being wrapped up in sure arms, she was being pulled tight into Alex’s chest and her thoughts were being scattered.

“Okay. Do you...” Alex’s started but paused for a moment and Maggie held her breath. “Do you want to talk about it?”

It shouldn’t have caused such a sharp pain in her throat, to make her want to cry, to make her tense with a shout caught in her lungs. But it did. And Alex noticed and Alex was pulling back and Maggie let go of her shirt to wait for Alex’s arms to drop. And they did. They dropped to her waist and anchored them together. 

She glanced up to see such deep concern etched in this beautiful woman’s features and she felt the sting creep up her throat and prick at her eyes. 

“You don’t have to talk, Maggie. We don’t have to talk. Okay? We can just sit and watch a movie or a show or I could read to you? Or we could just do nothing at all. Okay? Whatever you need.”

_ Need _ . 

A sob tore from her without her knowing how to stop it because she needed  _ this _ . She needed to be held and be cared for and Alex, Alex, Alex. Perfect, gentle, caring Alex. And she was there, pulling her back close and letting Maggie cry into her neck for seemingly no reason and just held her and held her and held her. Drawing her hands up between them to hold to her own chest as she pressed further into Alex’s embrace, Maggie let her entire self be wrapped up and held until the burning hot, gasping sobs were drowned out by soft whispers of “I’ve got you,” and “It’s alright, baby,” and “My sweet, beautiful Maggie.” 

And when her body was being held up almost entirely by the taller woman and her head was punding and throat sore, when she was once more quiet; Alex asked softly, “Did something happen? You don’t have to talk.”

And Maggie shook her head and sighed, breathing deeply and shakily.

“Okay, okay. Want to sit down or go lay in bed?”

She smiled, it was small and as weak as the rest of her body felt, but it was real and genuine and all for Alex. All for the arms around her. All for the cheek pressed to her head. All for the affectionate voice in her ear. 

“Can you just… put something on to watch?” 

A kiss was pressed to her forehead with a firm, “Of course,” and Alex was turning but her hands stayed on Maggie. They slipped and repositioned but never left, they gripped her hand with both as she lead her to the couch, they were strong and reassuring and Maggie hadn’t realized she needed it. One moment without Alex’s touch just then? She might have tripped. Might have backtracked or fallen apart again. But Alex was there and solid and pulling her down into her lap. 

Maggie found herself across Alex’s lap, back pressed into the arm of the couch, an even stronger arm wrapped about her, and she was safe. Curling into Alex’s side, she was secure. Hearing “Good?”, she was solid. She nodded and pressed a kiss to her neck because how would words ever make sense enough to explain how grateful she was?

Noticing the black and white reruns of  _ I Love Lucy _ on her screen she smiled as another warm breath came in. Because she barely remembers telling Alex about loving the show, barely remembers telling her she’d stay up late growing up when she needed a good bout of laughter, barely remembers Alex saying she’d hardly seen it. Barely. But here it was playing on her screen as she was being held by this woman who saw her, heard her, remembered her. This woman who just let her be but didn’t leave, who asked but didn’t pushed, who was running a comforting hand along her thigh and Maggie only sunk deeper into her.

Resting her head on the shoulder right there, just for her, Maggie let herself just be calm. Enjoying the feel of Alex’s chuckling just as much if not more than the antics onscreen. Letting herself settle and just be and be held. She wondered how long Alex would sit there for but she knew, one look and she knew she’d stay right there the whole night through and the next day if she could. 

So, with the warmth of Alex in her, she leant forward and picked up the remote and muted the TV. Something about the lights playing across her living room was comforting. She felt Alex watching her now but she kept her eyes down, fiddling with the remote. She took a breath.

“I have bipolar disorder.” There. She said it, she started it, she opened it. She felt a light squeeze. She took another breath. “And I- I mean I’m alright but technically,  _ technically _ , I’m depressed right now.” Glancing up to concern and care and acceptance, acceptance, acceptance; Maggie raised her head, taking in the sight more fully to continue. “I’m not bad, I mean I’ve been worse, I’ve been… darker, but technically… I’m tired, so tired all the time but I can’t sleep either, I rarely want to eat, I’m-I feel- I’m fine but I’m… I’m empty.” She swallowed down the tightness in her throat, the weakness in her bones, because she’d started and she wanted to stay and she wanted Alex to stay and she wanted to be held and seen and heard. “I don’t want to do much of anything, I don’t want to leave my apartment, but I feel it, the doing nothing, and I hate it and it makes me antsy and my thoughts go off and I-” Alex reached up to tuck some hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek and Maggie breathed. Her lungs never felt so full as when she was with Alex. “And everything seems so exhausting. I can get up and go to work, I can get through that without much trouble because it’s an obligation, you know? It’s my duty and my job and I love my job and it’s a distraction most of the time. Even the horrible things… distract me from the emptiness and I hate that I think that way some days and then I work more and harder and longer and it doesn’t matter because I don’t sleep so I may as well be useful because I-” She breathed and breathed and Alex laid her hand on her chest, strong and steady and she breathed. “Even talking, even just a ‘hello’ can take so much out of me and I feel so  _ weak _ . And you-” Tears were coming again but she bit them back. “You-I want to be around you, all the time,  _ all the time _ , but I-I don’t know how to say it without- Just the thought of opening my mouth makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep and I’m sorry because I don’t know what to do. I don-” The tears were in her eyes but she clenched her jaw and closed her eyes and tried to clear her head.

“Maggie,” it was more of a breath than a word. She looked to Alex to see her own eyes wet and so much emotion that she couldn’t begin to decipher them all. “Mags, you’re so so strong. No, you  _ are _ . You’re so strong for telling me and I’m… I’m glad you did, honored and in awe of you.” Maggie couldn’t help but scoff but Alex’s eyes were clear and bright and on  _ her _ . “Maggie, you carry this all around with you, day after day after day, and you keep moving. I can’t say I understand, I can’t say it’s okay, I can’t say I won’t let you break, I can’t say I’ll help you sleep; but I can say I’ll be here. Whatever you need. If you can’t talk, don’t. If you can’t leave the apartment, I’ll come to you. If you need distractions to help you sleep, we’ll watch reruns late into the night.” Maggie is gasping and she’s not sure if it’s from the tears or from the shock of this woman but she doesn’t much care because she’s being held, entirely. “Maggie. Mags. My beautiful, strong Maggie. Thank you so much for telling me, for being strong. Thank you for letting me care for you.”

Maggie buries her head back into Alex’s neck and let’s the feeling of strength fill her. “I’ll tell you more,” she mumbles.

“Tomorrow. Or another day.” And another kiss to her head. And another. And another. “Wanna keep watching?” She gestures with the remote now in her hands.

And Maggie nods and Maggie smiles and Maggie breathes. Because she’s not fine and she’s so tired but Alex stayed and Alex is holding her, hearing her, knowing her. And staying, staying, staying.

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea about Maggie and just had to get it out and now I can't stop thinking about it.
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes but I lack the motivation to edit and this took long enough to write.


End file.
